I was actually starting to think nothing could surprise me in the sports world anymore. Then I learned three crazy truths.
1. In some circles, Chess is now considered a sport.
2. The World Chess Federation drug tests its participants.
3. The reason for the drug testing is to make Chess compliant so they can – don’t laugh – get Chess added as an Olympic sport.
I don’t know where to begin. I guess the top of the bill will do. Chess, a sport? Seriously? It’s not a sport. Taxing one’s mind is not a form of physical exertion. See, that’s why we have two categories, physical and mental. Chess is a mental exercise. A healthy chess player is just as good as a chess player with Fred G. Sanford caliber arthritis.
Why would the Olympics want Chess? The International Olympic Committee wants sports with verve, spunk, and athletic prowess.
They don’t want Chess players sitting in chairs, moving so seldom that a webcast won’t have to update a single pixel for hours. It’s not a good sign for an event when its best selling point is saving viewers from getting throttled on their iPhone data plan.
Why test chess players, of all people, for drugs? Any kind of inebriation or clouding of the mind will put a Chess player at a severe disadvantage.
Are Chess officials worried Chess Masters will get doped up on steroids? Maybe the World Chess Federation thinks Chess players on steroids might develop telekinesis allowing them to move Rooks in a decidedly un-Rook-like fashion.
Honestly, isn’t it more likely, and in fact probable, that a Chess Master will test positive for asthma medicine? We’re talking about the crème de la crème of the nerd community. Chess is an indoor activity, and who’s more likely to get stuck indoors than an asthma sufferer? It’s almost guaranteed to come up.
I’d love to hear the thought process. “We think Chess is a sport. We want to get Chess into the Olympics. Therefore, in order to please the IOC, we will test all our Chess Masters for drug use.”
Quit trying to make Chess something it’s not. Accept its place in life and stop making nervous Chess nerds pee in a cup.